Mother's Day Walk 2016

This year all I wanted for mother's day was to take a walk with my beautiful boy.  The reason I am a mom.  It was a gloriously sunny day with just a hint of chill.  We went to Sherando Park to walk the trails. 

He's still 14 and still enjoyed running ahead-- he checked for muddy spots, but he also walked with me hand in hand for a while. 

I have another picture of him from a few years ago where he is shorter than this plaque.  I'll have to find it....

Here it is!!!  How tall my baby has grown!

Here's a shot of my guy still enjoying the wonders of imagination. 

What a picture perfect day! All in all we walked for about 40 minutes, exploring the trails the best we could given some muddy spots.  I'm hoping for another walk next year. 

Until Next Time...

Enjoying life-- even if I have to do it alone.

In March of this year I went out for a while by myself.  It had been since the big snow-- it was just starting to warm again.  I headed out for a walk at the battlefield on Redbud Road.  On the way I took some pretty pictures.

I took the back way down the gravel road I used to walk when we lived on Redbud Rd.  This is an old little barn of some sort.  They are putting in a big road close by so I hope this building still stands. 

Of course I had to take a picture of the cows!  When Ashton was a baby I used to take him for walks down this gravel road and we always stopped to talk to the cows, sometimes we even fed them some grass that was out of their reach.  This cow reminded me of those sweet simple days. 

Even though is was super windy that day I got out there and walked some of the battlefield.  I was still dealing with some anxiety so this was a big moment for me.  It was probably in the low to mid 60's-- and I actually had to really decide whether to go or not.  I'm glad I did.  The sun was warm and it was so pretty there. 

As you walk farther on the path and head into the woods the path brings you to this cute little bridge.  The backdrop was so nice.  It was easy to imagine the battle here.  Plaques telling what occurred in different areas made it easy to imagine what the soldiers went through.  It is a sacred ground. 

Here is the shallow creek that the bridge goes over.  In the heat of the summer it is nearly covered completely by algae. 

I liked the scenery so much that I wanted to be a part of it.  I'm feeling good and taking it slow.  Taking pictures, but still being in the moment. 

Once I got back in the car I was so proud of myself that I rested while eating a snack and wrote in my journal.  I took the long way home, taking roads I hadn't been down in at least 10 years.  I was tired by the time I got home but felt wonderful and rejuvenated.  It was a good day with some healing. 

What a great day. 

Until Next Time.

My biggest life regret so far.....

I have no pictures to post with this entry. 

I only have shame and regret.

When I met my now husband 22 years ago he told me shortly after we started dating that he had a son.  We spent time with him and even had him for a month shortly before we got married.  He was at our wedding.  I have a picture of him and I at our wedding.  He was 4 or 5 at the time.  Blond hair and looked exactly like my husband. 

Visits became less frequent and a couple years later when his mom married, she asked that my husband let his step dad adopt him.

We agreed.

We felt like Matt could give him the stability that we had not.  We could barely take care of ourselves much less another person. 

Mistake number 1.  Even though we both still think we did what was best, I still regret it. 

We continued to be stupid by not staying in touch with him.  He never came to stay with us when we lived on Red Bud Rd.  He came to meet Ashton when he was born and didn't see him again until Ashton was 7 years old.

Mistake number 2 

We absolutely dropped the ball on this boys life.  We left his life without thinking it through. 

Now that little boy is still a beautiful guy, except he's 25.  He's also a father to a newborn girl named Rose.  She was just born yesterday. 

He allowed us to come see them at the hospital.  It wasn't the reunion I had hoped for and it stung when I noticed that we were plunked in the "other" time frame for people visiting.  "Other" is for friends, coworkers and acquaintance-- people not really that important.  It stung but I expected it and I totally understand it. 

I've been feeling horrible since.  I deserve it.  I keep picturing what our lives would look like if we hadn't been so selfish and immature.  I would have 2 boys to look out for me.  Jared would have Ashton.  Ashton would have Jared.  I did to Jared what my dad did to me.  I'm 45 and I'm still dealing with the pain of my dad not paying attention to me. 

The only good thing is that we've basically been consistent with being gone.  There wasn't any confusion and life "drop ins".  No visits that said You're visiting but you really don't belong here. 

The perfectionist in me wants to wrap it all up in a pretty bow, tell him how sorry we are and have him say oh that's OK- hug like a 80's sitcom and live happily ever after. 

But that's not reality is it? 

There's no amount of money that can fix it.  There's no amount of tears or letters or gifts that will fix what we did to him.  Something he never asked for or deserved. 

He deserved us to love on him and make him a part of our family.  Yes, we could have still had Matt adopt him but still have him be a part of our family. 

I missed birthdays, trips, game nights, movie nights, corn mazes, Christmas celebrations, Winter Wonderlands--proms, graduation-- and I'm sure frustrations.   I missed out on having 2 sons.  My son missed out on a brother.  He missed out on an annoying little brother.  I'm missing out on a grand-daughter. 

How arrogant and narcissistic of me to think that I could just roll in after all this time and claim her as my granddaughter. 

There's nothing, literally nothing that I can do - or anybody can do to give us back that time we missed. 

The only thing I can do is move forward and make a commitment --- and hope and pray that maybe someday he can forgive us.  That maybe we can be a family.  Forgiveness won't give me back all the hugs and time we missed but maybe we can heal. 

Now that he's an adult and parent he can decide what he wants.  No longer a child he can use his critical thinking to determine what he wants. 

Maybe we'll get a chance to apologize to him -- or at least me.  I need to do this. 


He deserves to know how much I regret our selfish decision. 

The camping trip that wasn't.......

Back in June of this year I wanted to go camping.  I've never been except for the couple times I went with my dad to Ohio.  This is the first time I planned to go camping as an adult.  I originally planned to go by myself, but again, once Ashton saw that this might be fun, he asked if he could come with me. 

I of course was thrilled to have my buddy with me.  I decided that we could just sleep in the back of the Subaru.  We decided to go to Cunningham Falls State Park in Maryland.  It's about an hour away from our house.  It is beautiful.  It was supposed to rain pretty hard overnight, but we decided we would go anyway and just do the best we could. 

We arrived at 2:30pm and picked out our spot.  There were only 2 other families in the entire circle, so we were feeling pretty good having some space.  We were directly across from the water source and bathrooms. 

This is shortly after we arrived.

It was still quite a while before the sun went down, so we decided to go for a hike, eat some dinner and then go swimming at the lake before settling in.  It was a warm day but not too hot.  Perfect!

We hiked to the falls and Ashton loved climbing all over the rocks around the falls!

I was still dealing with some anxiety about food and exercise so I did ok on the hike, but I opted to not climb with Ashton on the rocks.  Maybe I'll do that next time I go. 

Ashton is nearly worn out in this picture.  It turned out to be a nice hike.  We walked back to the car, then headed back to the camp site. 

We went to get some wood at the camp store and got started on building a fire.  I pretty much let Ashton build it.  He was having fun and we had a light the bag style charcoal bag underneath.  We didn't get a huge fire (and I've since learned why) but we had one big enough to cook our hotdogs and corn. 

After we ate we headed down to the lake and stayed there until about 7:30p.  It was pretty empty by then.  Ashton swam like crazy and I enjoyed the quiet and journaled. 

When we got back to camp that's when things started getting interesting, or less interesting whichever way you want to look at it. 

I straightened up camp a bit preparing to just relax after a adventure filled day.  Ashton kept running around, climbing rocks, exploring and basically kept himself busy.  We still had about an hour of sunlight when I regretted not bringing a card game or something to keep him busy.  Boredom was setting in.  I recommended we go ahead and set up our bed, brush our teeth and prep for bed. 

After about another half hour the sunset, nearly 9pm and we turned on our lantern.  We climbed into the back of the Subaru and tried to get comfortable.  It was still pretty warm but I was still too nervous to leave the hatch open on the Subaru so we just left the windows cracked.  After about 15 minutes he started complaining that he was hot and he wasn't going to be able to sleep. 

That's when I made the fatal mistake. 

I asked him if he wanted to go home. 

Not in a do you wanna go home honey voice but in a sarcastic- what? you wanna go home? voice.

He said yes. 

The seed was planted.  Now I was also second guessing going there knowing that it was suppose to pour down rain.  Before we went to bed I piled all the stuff outside into the front of the vehicle so it wouldn't get wet. 

Long story short, we did leave.  We left at 9:30 and was home by 10:30p--  I slept better than I'm sure I would have at the site, but looking back I wish I would've made us tough it out.  I slipped into old patterns of not following through with what was important to me.  I will go again, maybe next summer, but by myself.  If we go together it will be for a day trip. 

And that was the camping trip that wasn't. :)

Until Next Time

My son turned 15 today!

My Boy. 

He is the best thing that I will have ever accomplished in my life.  He is thoughtful, imaginative, talented and gives the best hugs.  Yes, he has the normal teenage stuff- but he is awesome and I'm so proud of the person he is. 

Even when he's not happy with me he's respectful.  Here he is super bored because mom is having too much fun dancing at a wedding.  I'm hoping I'm teaching how to be a good man.  I'm hoping I'm teaching him how to respect women and how to have respect for himself. 

He's so handsome, but of course he doesn't think he is.  He's certain that no girl will ever find him attractive, but I know one day sooner than I'm ready for- he'll have a girlfriend. 

He's goofy and he gets that from me.  He can make the weirdest faces and yes, he gets that from me.  He's sensitive and has almost too much empathy--- all from me. 

I am so proud of this guy.  He is the most amazing person.  It's hard to see him be so down on himself and not have the confidence.  I want to protect him and make everyone clear a path when he walks in the room.  But, he's 15 now and I can't do that anymore. 

I've been trying to separate myself from him bit by bit.  It's hard to do!  I have to remember and give him the respect he deserves by letting him live his own life.  He deserves to go through this life knowing that his choices are his.  He doesn't owe me anything.  I'm hoping that he will want to spend time with me as we both grow older.  I never want to be a chore or errand for him.  I never want to make him feel that way. 

I love that boy with all my heart and because of that I will do this for him.  Let him go and be free. 

Meanwhile though, until he's 18, I'll eat up allllll the attention I can get!  ;)

Until next time.

Snow Storm of Jan. 2016

Hello All,

I found these pictures of the snow storm back in January.  It was crazy!  We got over 3 feet.  We had a big snow storm like this about 10 years ago, but back then we had a neighbor with a snow blower.  This time we did not.  I think we closed the shop for about 4 days just to dig out and get back to work.  Before we could get back to work we had to deal with the wall of snow around our house.

The snow was heavy and wet.  It was overwhelming just trying to figure out where to put it.  You can see that across the street the wall of snow met the bottoms of our mailboxes.  That's Ashton, he's 14 in this picture. 

Once we finally got back to work, we were met with this. 

Yep, more snow-- another wall to bring down.  This is also the year that a couple weeks after this snow storm, Eric got bronchitis so bad he was out of work for 2 weeks.  He had to have xrays to make sure he didn't have pneumonia.  He still needs an inhaler. 

So heading into winter yet again, we are cringing at the thought of dealing with snow.  We have joked more than once about moving where it doesn't snow.  However, I think after last year we aren't really joking anymore.  I would love to move after Ashton graduates high school. 

Until Next Time. 

Parent Teacher Conference

Each year, in the looming days of winter I or Eric would attend parent teacher conferences.  It's a nice chance to get some one on one time with his teachers and just see how this boy of mine is doing.  He always went with us so I can't say it was truly one on one.  He has a love/hate relationship with the meeting.  It's a nice break though- especially when his grades are the least of our worries.  '

Some times waiting our turn could be a chance to just be goofy and do a selfie.  You have to do it quickly because you can't be caught having fun with your mom.  This picture was early on in the evening.  Spirits were still pretty high and stomachs were full. 

However, as the night wore on, Ashton became, let's say..... less enthused.  Less enthused about meetings, selfies and being on school grounds when he should be home having fun. 

Now my boy is about to turn 15 and is a freshmen in high school.  This is the first time in our school "career" that we totally ignored parent teacher conference night.  The deal was if you have at least a C or above in each class that we would skip it.  He accomplished that goal. 

It makes me sad.  I'm proud of how far we've come-- this boy and I.  I'm a little sad that it happened so quick.  I'm thankful for our goofy nights and the selfies I insisted on taking.  I don't know if we'll go to the next parent teacher conference. 

I hope so..... just one last time..... 

Until Next time. 

My take on the 2016 election.

I pulled into the full parking lot before work and walked to the school to place my vote.  I knew that I was surrounded by Trump supporters, but quickly and quietly I placed my vote for Hillary.  Knowing that my vote would surely be added to the overwhelming Hillary supporters outside of this Trumpland that I call home. 

I had a good day at work anticipating the evenings events.  Finally the election would be over and I needed to remember to buy a paper the next morning announcing our country's first female president. 

The states started slowly roll in the results.  We all know how it goes from there. 

How did we get here?  How is it possible that a man who insulted everyone except white men during his campaign get elected?  How did a man using foul language and "locker room" talk against women possibly get women to vote for him? 

I'm not sure.

He knew exactly what to say.  My only hope is maybe he said all he needed to say to get elected and maybe now he'll throw all that nonsense away. 

Otherwise our country, in my opinion has been thrown back at least 70 years of progress. 

He says we'll make the country great again.  Only if that means being able to be racist, sexist and homophobic. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what actions he takes.  I can only hope his whole election campaign was a big show. 

We'll see.

Until Next Time

My first step out--

This is my first step out into creating a happier life for myself.  Days before these pictures I realized for real this time, that I was the only one that could make myself happy.  It wasn't my husband's job, and it wasn't my son's job either.  I really wanted to go to Winter Wonderland at our local park.  You walk through the park and they have decorated the park with all kinds of lights.  Santa is there, they sell cookies and cocoa- there's even a large music timed light show at the end.  It's so fun.  However, my hubby doesn't like it.  We've gone before, but I always feel rushed because I know he's not enjoying himself.  So to begin my new year 2016 being a bit more selfish and take care of myself better, I announced I was going to the Winter Wonderland.  My husband was shocked, but he was happy that I would go.  When it came time to leave, he was really shocked that I was actually going through with going by myself.  I had invited my son days before but he said no.  When he saw that I was actually going to go, he asked ME if he could come.  He was a pretty good partner to go with even though he refused to go visit Santa or even go in the building with him.  We ate cookies, we sipped cocoa, we had a great time.  He walked a little faster than I wanted, but he waited for me to catch up.  Then this happened--

Under the last light tunnel he agreed to a selfie with Mom!!  He tries to act tough but I know secretly he was having a great time.  I haven't decided if I'll go again this year.  Maybe I'll go truly alone this time.  When I got home Eric asked me if we had a good time.  Yes, we did.  It was an awesome first step into reminding myself to do things for myself-- and that I'll never regret it. 

Until next time......

Looking For an Outlet and Being a kid in the 70's- Before the internet took hold of us.

I've thought about doing youtube, but I don't know if I like that idea-- I don't know if I just need a place to vent or what.  I'm not looking for views, I'm not looking for new friends.  I think I do just need/want a place to come and record my life.  Not to be snobby because I've got a crazy elaborate life or anything, but a place so that when I'm old and gone, hopefully my son and maybe grandchildren can look back on my life and hopefully get to know what kind of person I was. 

I think I'll start here.  I had a pretty descent childhood, although I'm dealing with stuff that I didn't even realize was there until recently.  I'm thankful I had a childhood before the internet and screens constantly in your face.  I'm thankful for playing barefoot in the grass and doing simple things with my friends, like sitting for hours under my neighbors tree playing with Barbies. 

We played school, we played sports, we played cheerleading.  We rode our bikes and pretended to get our "drivers" license.  We listened to music and made up dances to them. We played outside all the time. 

Being an only child for the first 12 years of my life, I had my fair share of being by myself, but with the imagination I had--  I never got bored.  I always had some kind of thing going on in my room.  I played in my room when I was by myself.  Being outside wasn't as fun by yourself.  (although I did that too sometimes)  I climbed in the dog house.  My dog just kinda looked at me funny.  I stood with my arms spread on a windy day just knowing I could control the wind.  I tried to fall off a swing to break my arm because I thought casts looked cool. 

I was goofy.  It was the 70's and it was a perfect match for being a kid. 

I'd have it no other way. 

Until next time. 

2 years and I think I'm getting back on my feet.

Almost 2 years ago my world crumbled.  I lost my grandmother just a week before my 43rd birthday.  Just as I was getting my feet under me a bit my stepdad passed away.  It hit me and I wasn't prepared for the effect it would have on me.  I struggled horribly with depression and severe anxiety.  I barely functioned.  I tried medication but only took one because of bad reactions.  I thought that the dark hole I was in would be my life forever and I essentially gave up. 

2015 was my year of survival.  Now nearly 2 years have passed.  I am finally getting back on my feet.  I am not totally healed but I am way better than before.  I am finally getting to the point where I want to take care of myself again.  I was so depressed and I'm just now seeing how bad I was. 

I'm ready to live again. 

Yesterday.

Have you ever cried so much you felt nauseous afterward?  That was me yesterday.  I woke up feeling a little anxious (thanks anxiety disorder) because I could hear my heartbeat in my ear.  This in my mind could only mean that my blood pressure is skyrocketing and I will soon stroke out. 

I went about my business- trying to ignore my anxiety, but instead sunk into a depression.  Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. 

I started thinking about Muzzy and long story short-- I ended up taking a walk and crying.  Crying and crying until I felt purged of my tears.  I felt sick, eyes swollen, stuffy nose and wanting to crawl into bed.  I couldn't though.  I had to put on my work face. 

I cried so much because I thought about going back to church.  No sooner did I think about going did I decide that it wasn't for me because I don't believe in it.  I think this made me cry harder with the realization that Muzzy isn't waiting for me somewhere.  She's not.  She's not in her grave.  She's not in heaven waiting with granddaddy.  She's not a ghost watching me.  She's gone. 

Forever.

The only memories I have are the ones in my mind.  I have a video of her that I haven't been able to bring myself to watch yet.  But I do know this.  Her body is gone.  Her soul has returned to the original source of energy.  She loved me.  She is no longer hurting.  She was born, raised, grown and died.  She lived a full loving life.  She wasn't flashy.  She never spent a day on facebook or Instagram.  She did a lot of things in her 92 years. 

I'm happy that her soul is a reason why my soul is now here.  I see her wrinkles develop over my eyes.  I remember her love of jewelry every time I open my jewelry box.  Our souls are emeshed.  We come from the same energy.  She's amazing. 

I feel better today.  Still not ready to watch the video and I'm not sure if I even want to visit her grave. 

We'll see. 

If you really knew me you'd know......

That I get so mad at myself for not being able to stick with something and complete it.

I'm really mean to myself about how I look, how I don't take care of myself but yet I do nothing about it.

I get mad at myself for playing the victim

I have been hurt by both of my parents

I am not real with anyone except my husband-- I'm even starting to change with my son. 

I'm afraid of not living a full life.

I'm horribly afraid of dying. 

I am obsessed with accidents, death and the unknown. 

I have trouble just being, I constantly tell myself to relax and belittle myself constantly for not being normal.

I regret how I treated Eric's mom. 

I regret not spending more time with Muzzy.

I am ashamed of not being a Christian.

I think everyone else is better and more interesting than me.

I have a very hard time saying what I really want. 

I want to be the "easy person" to get along with- I never want to cause trouble.  I want desperately to be seen as the good person.

I don't like listening to others when they don't want to hear about me.

I make myself do things I don't like to do.

I belittle myself for wanting to complain--

I am an all or nothing person.  Perfection or I want to rid myself of it.

I get angry at myself for not knowing what to write here.

I hate it that I don't really know what I do like sometimes

I feel lost and insignificant.

I am ashamed that I have never really taken care of myself.  I've always depended on men to take care of me.

I have no real skills to make money with, well enough to go out on my own. 

Where to begin?

Hello --

It's been so long that I don't even know where to begin.  I had quite a few posts on this blog I'd say about a year ago and I decided to delete them.  All of them.  I wish now that I had not.  I know why I did it.  It was because I was in the throws of grief.  I had lost both my grandmother in Sept 2014 and then my step dad in Jan 2015.  This time last year I was stripping myself from the internet and scolding myself for "telling my story".  Now I can see that I just wanted to talk. I didn't want to show boat or show off-  I just wanted to type away the feelings.  I lost my sense of self last year.  I developed serious physical and mental panic and still deal with them today.  Much much better than it used to be but I'm definitely not where I was before those two beautiful souls left this earth. 

So why start again? 

Well, for one, I need this.  It's not flaunty since I'll likely be the only one that reads it.  But, I need the release.  I need to just get it out there. 
Maybe I'm starting over because the person I was is truly gone.  I may as well introduce the new person I have become.  The sad, happy, giddy hanging on tight person I am today.  I'm more introspective.  I'm more nervous for sure.  I question things now, but I also see more clearly.  I appreciate more.  I feel more.  There are some things that are bad, but most things are good. 

I hope to expand on the good and slowly heal from the bad. 

Thank you for letting me talk.  I do hope someone reads this and it will maybe help them get through whatever they are dealing with. 

My grandmother sits in the chair.  This was at least 4-5 years ago. 

I have a picture I have in mind I want to put up of my stepdad-- it's the thanksgiving before he passed.  I'll have to find it.  I will certainly post about the shattering of my world.  Not to flaunt, not for pity- but because I never want to forget -- but I also need to heal.