I'm itching for some alone adventures.

I'm off work today and tomorrow.  I'm excited to have a day alone tomorrow.  Well, Ashton will be home but he spends a lot of time by himself in his room or down the road at his friends house.  Eric hasn't worked much this week which I enjoy but I also need some space to myself.  I think I need to plan a day trip on my own.  It's been so stinking hot I haven't felt like going anywhere since I don't have A/C in my car.  But I absolutely need to go somewhere on my own.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I need it.  Even if I just go for a drive on some back roads- taking pictures-  some space to breathe and settle into my own.

I'm off for four days straight next week and I know that Eric will need to work a lot so I think I'll do something then.  I actually want to do more than hole up in the house.  I love doing that too but I am becoming interested in getting out and doing stuff again.

It feels good to be moving forward financially again.  We still have to deal with some business debt from Carnew but I can deal with it.  It doesn't freak me out like it used to.  It's numbers.  I can have wonderful fun without spending money.  I'm enjoying the simple life I have.

I went with Ashton today to fill out a volunteer application.  He's applied at two places for jobs but hasn't had any luck yet.

I love my guy.

Until Next Time.

PS-  I think I want to try cutting down on my tv time--- I don't know, I really enjoy it but it does make me not want to do other things.

How I'm feeling today

I'm off work today.  I went to work last night-- didn't get home until almost midnight.  Surprisingly I enjoy coming home late at night-- my radio is broken so to and from work is a chill time.  I can think-- and just relax.  Especially coming home- there's little to no traffic, it's quiet, dark and cool outside.  It was a good shift.  I made $92 in tips which with my hourly worked out to be $17 an hour.  I've noticed that I'm still tired when I leave work but my body is starting to get used to it.

I've also noticed that when I'm at work I'm totally in the moment.  I had anxiety yesterday before work-- which I've had every day before - but not quite as bad.  I used to get chills down my legs as soon as I woke up before-- now I get a pent up energy kinda feeling about an hour before I have to start getting ready.  Once I'm there I'm on auto pilot and just do it.  I'm not thinking about anything else other than doing my job- which is really good for my brain and my emotional state.  My anxiety is gone when I'm there.

It used to be terrible when I was there, but now that I know what to do- it's way better.

Once aspect of work that I really like is talking to people.  I have people I don't really connect with but some are just so fun to talk to.  Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm getting paid for this.  I hope that I continue to like this job the way I like it now.  I'm hoping we get the Subaru fixed soon so that I can go places on my days off.  I can most days but sometimes Eric likes taking my car to work-- and I don't feel good about driving the Subaru at the moment.

I'm settling into this new life.  It's been almost 2 months since I started at the bar.  We're almost done wrapping things up for VHB-- I'll be glad when we're totally done.  I don't miss it.

The only thing I'm kinda bummed about is I texted Sara, Rosie's mom last Saturday (today is Thursday)  telling her I miss them and would like to get together soon,   I've never gotten a reply.

But I really can't and won't get upset about it.  I love Rosie, but I can't force her-- and if I have to force her what good is the relationship anyway?  So, I've had to let that relationship go.  I love Rosie so it hurts that I won't be involved in her life the way I had hoped, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.  I guess the only way I'll see her is through Jared.  Eric has seen her twice since VHB closed-- I haven't seen them in over a month.  Oh well, all I can do is hope and send them happy vibes and loving vibes.
I've deactivated my facebook account.  It feels good- and if I find I don't miss or need it for anything in the next 6 mths to a year- I may delete it all together.

Living in the NOW.  Loving every moment cause that's all ya got.

Until Next Time.

Just seeing if this will work. Video of my April Solo Adventure in 2017

Here's a video that I took gosh last spring in 2017.  I'm too chicken to put it up on youtube- but I'm hoping this will be a good way to blog and put up occ. videos too.  Give some life to my living journal.  I do this not only for myself but hopefully for my family in the years to come- and after I'm gone.

Until Next Time.

The end of an era......

A few days before May 1st, after months of lower sales, we made the hard choice to close our shop.  We had had it open for 6 years.

Ashton was in 4th grade when we opened.  He was just about to finish up his sophomore year of high school when we closed the doors for good.

Here's to the years we spent together as a family.  It was hard, it was fun, it was frustrating and it was the best thing ever.  I'm so glad that even though ultimately it went under, we had the nerve to do what we wanted.

Here's to you Valley Homebrew.  Thank you.

Until Next Time.

Easter Sunday 2018

We decided to go to Morven Park in Leesburg VA on Easter this year.  Little did we know that just a few weeks later we would be faced with making a very hard decision that would affect our lives deeply.

Until Next Time.  

Before I worked there......

Here's some pictures just a week before Broken Window opened.   I had no idea that just over a month later I would be working behind the bar.

Zach and Jacob behind the bar.  Tim, Jared and Eric at the bar.

Eric and Rosie both having a drink. 

Tim finishing his beer while Zach takes a look at his creation.  

Until Next Time.  

Maybe I can do this-- need to relax though!

I am settling into my job at the bar I've been working at.  I've been there nearly a month.  Here's what I think so far.

This job is fun but physically demanding.  I enjoy the work but after a 7-8 hr shift I am wiped out.  I also get a good arm workout by putting down and lifting back up the barstools at the beginning and end of a shift.

It is SUPER loud in there sometimes.  A half full bar is crazy loud because the higher ups haven't yet put out sound absorbing material under the tables and on the walls or ceiling.  I bought ear peace earplugs to hopefully help with it.  I haven't tried them yet but I'm hoping I can still hear the drink orders.  We'll see.

You meet a lot of different people.  This can be good or bad.  Some people are there for fun and to relax while others, I swear, are there to just be sad, grouchy or uptight.

I hate doing flights.  They are a pain in my ass to serve.  The only time I don't mind serving flights is if there is no one waiting behind you to order.

Parking was a pain at first but I'm now getting a good strategy going.

Late hours!  and they're about to get later.  On a Saturday night it was easily after 11p before we left for the night.  Now we're switching to 11p closing-- ummmmm I'll have to get used to that.

I'm making more money than I thought I would.  This month I will have pulled in $1000.00 between my hourly and tips.  The funny thing is I didn't work more than 25 hours in a week.  I think if I averaged 25-30 I could make my $1500 goal.

People are either coldly greedy when it comes to tipping or very generous.  People who have a good time and feel good about their experience will easily tip 25%--  most do at least 20.  Sometimes you'll get 15, and I've only had 4 customers just straight up not tip.  I honestly think this is because they don't understand or couldn't see the receipt-- well, at least in 2 cases-- the other was plain up cheapness.

I'm becoming peoples' bartender.  I've been there long enough that people say hi to me when they walk in and expect me.  This bond I think brings better tips.

People just want your attention and if you can give it to them they tip better.  $10 because I talked to you for an extra 10 minutes while I was cleaning?? Heck yea.

Hate to admit it but I upsell the shit if I can.  Let's face it, this comes down to cold hard cash-- bigger bill means a bigger tip.

I really like the hustle..... to a point.  A steady flow- yes---- a steady quick flow--yes-- mass chaos?  No Bueno.

I forget about the time after awhile.  I like that I can just get swept up in it and hours will go by before I look at the clock.  Nothing worse than a day that drags.

That's it I think.  Mostly positive.  I'm gaining my confidence and after last Wednesdays' mass chaos night-  I think I've proved I'm just as good as anyone else there.

HIGH FIVE FOR THE 40 SOMETHING GIRL!!!!

A moment of clarity

Ever since we decided to close the shop I've been in a whirl of anxiety, frustration, self doubt, self judgement and just mayhem in my mind.  It was causing physical symptoms also.  As in my last post, I was deciding that what was wrong with me is that I have no skills.

I now know that I do.

My skill though is letting people feel relaxed in my presence.  I connect with people over chit chat.  I create an enjoyable experience.  You can't go to school for this skill.

I was so wrapped up in feeling lack that I couldn't just see what was good in my life.  I couldn't let myself breathe for the fact I haven't found the perfect job yet.

I watched a video- recommended by chance on youtube.  I decided to watch it.  It really brought me back to what I believe and have been practicing for years.  I'm not sure what pulled me away from it in the first place, but I knew it was wonderful to be back in that place.

I don't need to do anything.  I don't need to search.  I don't need to strive.  I don't need to judge myself.  I don't need to change anything.  I don't need to plan, schedule or stress about what is next and how can I possibly and how much $ do I need.

It is all complete right now.

I'm thankful for the moment of clarity that reminded me that I am the universe.  I am connected to all things and I will be ok one way or the other.

Freedom.

Getting used to working with other people again.

Hello,

I'm at the shop working it today while Eric is at his new job.  I go back to my bartending job tomorrow afternoon.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I don't know about Eric, but I'm having a really hard time getting used to working with people again.  It fills me with anxiety.

I started out strong.  Somewhere along the line though I have caved.  I feel really out of place there.  Everyone else is at least 10 years if not 20 years younger than me.  I feel like a fuddy duddy even though I'm not.  No one has been outright mean or rude to me, but I just feel soooo out of place.  I feel like I have to compete or pretend that I'm this younger person that I'm not.

I'm dreading going back tomorrow.  It's going to be a long night.  I work with the taproom manager and she doesn't close until people actually leave so I'll basically be waiting and hoping for people to leave before we can start cleaning.  I just really hate it.  I think I'm still dealing with depression of losing the business and having to deal with learning how to just live like a normal working chump.

I'm soaking up the last moments of today before the chaos of tomorrow.  I'm tired before I even start.  I'm trying to find another job but it's hard.  Like I said I've had an interview that I wasn't prepared for.  I applied for another job today.  It will not likely get anywhere but I had to try.  It's not just the pressure of getting a job but the pressure of finding a job that will pay enough.  I'm seriously considering going to a cleaning job- it's stupid early in the morning though.

I'm just really sad.  I'm sure once I'm there tomorrow it will be fine.  I just hate it that I can't just quit.  I could but we want to make our savings last as long as possible.

What it comes down to is this.

I'm 46 and I have no job skills.  I somehow have let half my life go by and I have no job skills.  I don't have a way to make enough money to live on by myself.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed and angry with myself.  In my 20's I was happy working at Grafton and I felt like I made enough money.  My 30's I spent at home being a spoiled stay at home mom.  My 40's have been here at the shop, doing a mediocre bookkeeping job.

It's so irritating that Eric went out and within a week has a job using his new SKILL.  Sure it doesn't pay very much- but it pays enough.  And, if he wanted to, he may have a harder time, but he could go back to computers.

Maybe I need to study something just to get that job so I can at least support myself.

Then my mind says- your 46- who will hire you?  You're old and washed up.

God I'm mean to myself.

They say losing a business is like losing a loved one- and it is true.  My whole identity was in this shop and now I feel like I'm just floating around with nothing to grab hold of.

This went in a way I didn't plan but I just need to get these feelings out.

Until Next Time.

A new chapter

How amazing things can change in just a couple months.  Momma kitty thankfully is better.  She acted a little different for a couple days but now is totally fine.  The biggest thing is that we have decided to close our shop.  We just don't have enough revenue to keep it open.  We knew things were slow and really in a pickle about have way through April.  By the last week of April we knew we had to close.  We made the announcement, much to the surprise to the community.

Before this I had started a job pouring beer at Broken Window Brewery downtown.  It's ok.  I was willing to do it to make extra money to support us, but as a full time gig--- aaaaahhh I dunno about that one.

Since then we are liquidating our inventory- trying desperately to make enough to pay off the bank, and it looks like we'll do it.

Eric just started a job at Winchester Brewworks as head brewer.  We are both having a difficult time getting used to being employees instead of self employed.

Eric has already said that brewing at brewworks is going to be hard and doesn't like it right now.  I am already having a hard time being away in the evening.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a job that I can make enough money and be home in the evening.  I've been on one interview which I bombed.

The whole thing is just weird right now.  We're both just really having to get used to our new lives.  We'll see what happens from here.

Until Next Time.

The day Momma lost her merle.

This is my Momma kitty.  She came into our lives quite suddenly back in July of 2008.  We had just returned from a vacation in Williamsburg and was catching up on some yard work.  I heard the cries of little kittens near by.  I pulled back some bushes and there she was feeding her litter of kittens.  

When she was done feeding and the kittens slept I offered her some food.  She was skinny and looked like she needed some help.  She was starved when I fed her taking in the food as quickly as she could looking up asking for more.  

And that's it.  She's been with us ever since.  We found good homes for 4 of her kittens.  We kept 2 of them and got her spayed so she wouldn't go through that again.  She was feral but desperate.  The days after her spay surgery she didn't pee for 2 days because she didn't know what a litter box was.  I was keeping her in the bathroom and she finally went.  

It was a long long road but we are finally at a place where she will let me hold her briefly, kiss her on the top of the head and she will lay on my lap if I sit perfectly still.  

We finally figured out that she is pretty much deaf also.  

She has a habit of "calling to her people" a lot.  After eating.  When she's laying down for a nap.  When she's about to drink water.  She lets the world know very loudly.  And she sounds like she's saying MERLE!!! MERLE!!!!MEEEERRRRRLE!!!!!

But yesterday she lost her merle.  I think she must have had a mini stroke.  She went limp for about 5 minutes.  She's eating again though not as much.  She's going potty OK and seems to walk fine.  

But she has lost a zest to her.  Her merle is one of them.  Now I miss the middle of the night calls.  I miss expecting the loud proclamations.  I hope she gets it back.  

We'll see.

Until Next Time.  

That time we went walking in the park on a warm February day! 2018

We decided to go for a walk in the park since it was in the low 60's one Sunday afternoon.  

We decided to walk the walking trail at the Jim Barnett Park.  It was a little chilly but for February it was great!

We saw groups playing Frisbee golf and friends walking their dogs. 

We had a great time.  We got exercise (the trail was about a mile long) and got to spend some time together. 

It was nice to get out in the fresh air. 

After we finished the trail we made one more stop before heading home. 

Waffle house for dinner!  

Yum!

Until Next Time! 

A visit with Rosie! Late Jan 2018

We love it when Jared comes by the shop to visit!  Sometimes they come and hang out for awhile and we get lots of time together.  Here's some pictures of Rosie Posie!

Play time with her bowl and spoons!

When she saw the camera she stopped and posed!

Snack Time!  

I know we're going to miss these days when she's older.  She's a little sweetie!

Until Next Time.

Martin Luther King Jr Day January 2018

So we decided that we wanted a fun day to enjoy together this year.  It was too cold to go snow tubing, so we tried duckpin.  They were having a special so it was cheap too! 

Turns out I'm pretty good at duckpin!  I won!  The guys would never admit that though- I should've taken a picture of the score screen. 

We played around in the arcade- 

and laughed at the odd game choices!

After that we got a snack and headed to Winchester.  I had an appointment for a top down stretch Denny had given me a gift certificate for so we hung out in the library until it was time to go to my appointment.  Here's a picture of the "tranquility room" as the employees called it.

and here's me nervous as crap to do this appointment! It was pretty fun, I don't know if I'd ever buy myself one though.

We ended our day with a meal from a local BBQ place we had wanted to try called Up In Smoke. It was good.  We headed home after that for a relaxing evening at home.  

Until Next Time! 

Kmart closing Martinsburg WV January 2018

We knew that this would eventually happen.  We saw it long before the corporate offices I bet.  This Kmart was straight out of the 80's with no upgrades.  I don't really have any special memories here either.  Ashton and I did go there to look at toys and such back in the day.  It was never a nice store.  The one good thing about it was it was never crowded so if you didn't feel like dealing with Walmart you could go here.  We went about a week before it shut down completely.  We didn't buy anything.  I think the only one left around here is the one in Hagerstown.

I won't miss it.

Until Next Time. 

Christmas 2017

Although Christmas will never be the same without Billy and Muzzy, we had a nice Christmas this year.  Here's the proof.

We put up our tree only a couple weeks before Christmas.  We have a simple 6 ft. tree that we bought at Target last year for like $15 because ours was musty as heck!  We didn't want the mess or expense of a real one so fake it is.

Ashton put his gingerbread man right above a light so that the light looks like a man part.  :)

We are such a classy family.

We went to Mom's house one evening, Aunt Carols one evening and then Denny's house one evening.  Busy but simple and fun.  Ashton let everyone know this year that he's not a little boy any more and doesn't participate in gag gifts any longer.  

We put more focus on the people and get togethers than we did the gifts.  It was simple and I really enjoyed it.  My family still thinks I'm weird, but I'm ok with that because I am weird.

Until Next Time.