Mother's Day Walk 2016

This year all I wanted for mother's day was to take a walk with my beautiful boy.  The reason I am a mom.  It was a gloriously sunny day with just a hint of chill.  We went to Sherando Park to walk the trails. 

He's still 14 and still enjoyed running ahead-- he checked for muddy spots, but he also walked with me hand in hand for a while. 

I have another picture of him from a few years ago where he is shorter than this plaque.  I'll have to find it....

Here it is!!!  How tall my baby has grown!

Here's a shot of my guy still enjoying the wonders of imagination. 

What a picture perfect day! All in all we walked for about 40 minutes, exploring the trails the best we could given some muddy spots.  I'm hoping for another walk next year. 

Until Next Time...

Enjoying life-- even if I have to do it alone.

In March of this year I went out for a while by myself.  It had been since the big snow-- it was just starting to warm again.  I headed out for a walk at the battlefield on Redbud Road.  On the way I took some pretty pictures.

I took the back way down the gravel road I used to walk when we lived on Redbud Rd.  This is an old little barn of some sort.  They are putting in a big road close by so I hope this building still stands. 

Of course I had to take a picture of the cows!  When Ashton was a baby I used to take him for walks down this gravel road and we always stopped to talk to the cows, sometimes we even fed them some grass that was out of their reach.  This cow reminded me of those sweet simple days. 

Even though is was super windy that day I got out there and walked some of the battlefield.  I was still dealing with some anxiety so this was a big moment for me.  It was probably in the low to mid 60's-- and I actually had to really decide whether to go or not.  I'm glad I did.  The sun was warm and it was so pretty there. 

As you walk farther on the path and head into the woods the path brings you to this cute little bridge.  The backdrop was so nice.  It was easy to imagine the battle here.  Plaques telling what occurred in different areas made it easy to imagine what the soldiers went through.  It is a sacred ground. 

Here is the shallow creek that the bridge goes over.  In the heat of the summer it is nearly covered completely by algae. 

I liked the scenery so much that I wanted to be a part of it.  I'm feeling good and taking it slow.  Taking pictures, but still being in the moment. 

Once I got back in the car I was so proud of myself that I rested while eating a snack and wrote in my journal.  I took the long way home, taking roads I hadn't been down in at least 10 years.  I was tired by the time I got home but felt wonderful and rejuvenated.  It was a good day with some healing. 

What a great day. 

Until Next Time.

My biggest life regret so far.....

I have no pictures to post with this entry. 

I only have shame and regret.

When I met my now husband 22 years ago he told me shortly after we started dating that he had a son.  We spent time with him and even had him for a month shortly before we got married.  He was at our wedding.  I have a picture of him and I at our wedding.  He was 4 or 5 at the time.  Blond hair and looked exactly like my husband. 

Visits became less frequent and a couple years later when his mom married, she asked that my husband let his step dad adopt him.

We agreed.

We felt like Matt could give him the stability that we had not.  We could barely take care of ourselves much less another person. 

Mistake number 1.  Even though we both still think we did what was best, I still regret it. 

We continued to be stupid by not staying in touch with him.  He never came to stay with us when we lived on Red Bud Rd.  He came to meet Ashton when he was born and didn't see him again until Ashton was 7 years old.

Mistake number 2 

We absolutely dropped the ball on this boys life.  We left his life without thinking it through. 

Now that little boy is still a beautiful guy, except he's 25.  He's also a father to a newborn girl named Rose.  She was just born yesterday. 

He allowed us to come see them at the hospital.  It wasn't the reunion I had hoped for and it stung when I noticed that we were plunked in the "other" time frame for people visiting.  "Other" is for friends, coworkers and acquaintance-- people not really that important.  It stung but I expected it and I totally understand it. 

I've been feeling horrible since.  I deserve it.  I keep picturing what our lives would look like if we hadn't been so selfish and immature.  I would have 2 boys to look out for me.  Jared would have Ashton.  Ashton would have Jared.  I did to Jared what my dad did to me.  I'm 45 and I'm still dealing with the pain of my dad not paying attention to me. 

The only good thing is that we've basically been consistent with being gone.  There wasn't any confusion and life "drop ins".  No visits that said You're visiting but you really don't belong here. 

The perfectionist in me wants to wrap it all up in a pretty bow, tell him how sorry we are and have him say oh that's OK- hug like a 80's sitcom and live happily ever after. 

But that's not reality is it? 

There's no amount of money that can fix it.  There's no amount of tears or letters or gifts that will fix what we did to him.  Something he never asked for or deserved. 

He deserved us to love on him and make him a part of our family.  Yes, we could have still had Matt adopt him but still have him be a part of our family. 

I missed birthdays, trips, game nights, movie nights, corn mazes, Christmas celebrations, Winter Wonderlands--proms, graduation-- and I'm sure frustrations.   I missed out on having 2 sons.  My son missed out on a brother.  He missed out on an annoying little brother.  I'm missing out on a grand-daughter. 

How arrogant and narcissistic of me to think that I could just roll in after all this time and claim her as my granddaughter. 

There's nothing, literally nothing that I can do - or anybody can do to give us back that time we missed. 

The only thing I can do is move forward and make a commitment --- and hope and pray that maybe someday he can forgive us.  That maybe we can be a family.  Forgiveness won't give me back all the hugs and time we missed but maybe we can heal. 

Now that he's an adult and parent he can decide what he wants.  No longer a child he can use his critical thinking to determine what he wants. 

Maybe we'll get a chance to apologize to him -- or at least me.  I need to do this. 


He deserves to know how much I regret our selfish decision.