Yesterday.

Have you ever cried so much you felt nauseous afterward?  That was me yesterday.  I woke up feeling a little anxious (thanks anxiety disorder) because I could hear my heartbeat in my ear.  This in my mind could only mean that my blood pressure is skyrocketing and I will soon stroke out. 

I went about my business- trying to ignore my anxiety, but instead sunk into a depression.  Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. 

I started thinking about Muzzy and long story short-- I ended up taking a walk and crying.  Crying and crying until I felt purged of my tears.  I felt sick, eyes swollen, stuffy nose and wanting to crawl into bed.  I couldn't though.  I had to put on my work face. 

I cried so much because I thought about going back to church.  No sooner did I think about going did I decide that it wasn't for me because I don't believe in it.  I think this made me cry harder with the realization that Muzzy isn't waiting for me somewhere.  She's not.  She's not in her grave.  She's not in heaven waiting with granddaddy.  She's not a ghost watching me.  She's gone. 

Forever.

The only memories I have are the ones in my mind.  I have a video of her that I haven't been able to bring myself to watch yet.  But I do know this.  Her body is gone.  Her soul has returned to the original source of energy.  She loved me.  She is no longer hurting.  She was born, raised, grown and died.  She lived a full loving life.  She wasn't flashy.  She never spent a day on facebook or Instagram.  She did a lot of things in her 92 years. 

I'm happy that her soul is a reason why my soul is now here.  I see her wrinkles develop over my eyes.  I remember her love of jewelry every time I open my jewelry box.  Our souls are emeshed.  We come from the same energy.  She's amazing. 

I feel better today.  Still not ready to watch the video and I'm not sure if I even want to visit her grave. 

We'll see. 

If you really knew me you'd know......

That I get so mad at myself for not being able to stick with something and complete it.

I'm really mean to myself about how I look, how I don't take care of myself but yet I do nothing about it.

I get mad at myself for playing the victim

I have been hurt by both of my parents

I am not real with anyone except my husband-- I'm even starting to change with my son. 

I'm afraid of not living a full life.

I'm horribly afraid of dying. 

I am obsessed with accidents, death and the unknown. 

I have trouble just being, I constantly tell myself to relax and belittle myself constantly for not being normal.

I regret how I treated Eric's mom. 

I regret not spending more time with Muzzy.

I am ashamed of not being a Christian.

I think everyone else is better and more interesting than me.

I have a very hard time saying what I really want. 

I want to be the "easy person" to get along with- I never want to cause trouble.  I want desperately to be seen as the good person.

I don't like listening to others when they don't want to hear about me.

I make myself do things I don't like to do.

I belittle myself for wanting to complain--

I am an all or nothing person.  Perfection or I want to rid myself of it.

I get angry at myself for not knowing what to write here.

I hate it that I don't really know what I do like sometimes

I feel lost and insignificant.

I am ashamed that I have never really taken care of myself.  I've always depended on men to take care of me.

I have no real skills to make money with, well enough to go out on my own.