Maybe I can do this-- need to relax though!

I am settling into my job at the bar I've been working at.  I've been there nearly a month.  Here's what I think so far.

This job is fun but physically demanding.  I enjoy the work but after a 7-8 hr shift I am wiped out.  I also get a good arm workout by putting down and lifting back up the barstools at the beginning and end of a shift.

It is SUPER loud in there sometimes.  A half full bar is crazy loud because the higher ups haven't yet put out sound absorbing material under the tables and on the walls or ceiling.  I bought ear peace earplugs to hopefully help with it.  I haven't tried them yet but I'm hoping I can still hear the drink orders.  We'll see.

You meet a lot of different people.  This can be good or bad.  Some people are there for fun and to relax while others, I swear, are there to just be sad, grouchy or uptight.

I hate doing flights.  They are a pain in my ass to serve.  The only time I don't mind serving flights is if there is no one waiting behind you to order.

Parking was a pain at first but I'm now getting a good strategy going.

Late hours!  and they're about to get later.  On a Saturday night it was easily after 11p before we left for the night.  Now we're switching to 11p closing-- ummmmm I'll have to get used to that.

I'm making more money than I thought I would.  This month I will have pulled in $1000.00 between my hourly and tips.  The funny thing is I didn't work more than 25 hours in a week.  I think if I averaged 25-30 I could make my $1500 goal.

People are either coldly greedy when it comes to tipping or very generous.  People who have a good time and feel good about their experience will easily tip 25%--  most do at least 20.  Sometimes you'll get 15, and I've only had 4 customers just straight up not tip.  I honestly think this is because they don't understand or couldn't see the receipt-- well, at least in 2 cases-- the other was plain up cheapness.

I'm becoming peoples' bartender.  I've been there long enough that people say hi to me when they walk in and expect me.  This bond I think brings better tips.

People just want your attention and if you can give it to them they tip better.  $10 because I talked to you for an extra 10 minutes while I was cleaning?? Heck yea.

Hate to admit it but I upsell the shit if I can.  Let's face it, this comes down to cold hard cash-- bigger bill means a bigger tip.

I really like the hustle..... to a point.  A steady flow- yes---- a steady quick flow--yes-- mass chaos?  No Bueno.

I forget about the time after awhile.  I like that I can just get swept up in it and hours will go by before I look at the clock.  Nothing worse than a day that drags.

That's it I think.  Mostly positive.  I'm gaining my confidence and after last Wednesdays' mass chaos night-  I think I've proved I'm just as good as anyone else there.

HIGH FIVE FOR THE 40 SOMETHING GIRL!!!!

A moment of clarity

Ever since we decided to close the shop I've been in a whirl of anxiety, frustration, self doubt, self judgement and just mayhem in my mind.  It was causing physical symptoms also.  As in my last post, I was deciding that what was wrong with me is that I have no skills.

I now know that I do.

My skill though is letting people feel relaxed in my presence.  I connect with people over chit chat.  I create an enjoyable experience.  You can't go to school for this skill.

I was so wrapped up in feeling lack that I couldn't just see what was good in my life.  I couldn't let myself breathe for the fact I haven't found the perfect job yet.

I watched a video- recommended by chance on youtube.  I decided to watch it.  It really brought me back to what I believe and have been practicing for years.  I'm not sure what pulled me away from it in the first place, but I knew it was wonderful to be back in that place.

I don't need to do anything.  I don't need to search.  I don't need to strive.  I don't need to judge myself.  I don't need to change anything.  I don't need to plan, schedule or stress about what is next and how can I possibly and how much $ do I need.

It is all complete right now.

I'm thankful for the moment of clarity that reminded me that I am the universe.  I am connected to all things and I will be ok one way or the other.

Freedom.

Getting used to working with other people again.

Hello,

I'm at the shop working it today while Eric is at his new job.  I go back to my bartending job tomorrow afternoon.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I don't know about Eric, but I'm having a really hard time getting used to working with people again.  It fills me with anxiety.

I started out strong.  Somewhere along the line though I have caved.  I feel really out of place there.  Everyone else is at least 10 years if not 20 years younger than me.  I feel like a fuddy duddy even though I'm not.  No one has been outright mean or rude to me, but I just feel soooo out of place.  I feel like I have to compete or pretend that I'm this younger person that I'm not.

I'm dreading going back tomorrow.  It's going to be a long night.  I work with the taproom manager and she doesn't close until people actually leave so I'll basically be waiting and hoping for people to leave before we can start cleaning.  I just really hate it.  I think I'm still dealing with depression of losing the business and having to deal with learning how to just live like a normal working chump.

I'm soaking up the last moments of today before the chaos of tomorrow.  I'm tired before I even start.  I'm trying to find another job but it's hard.  Like I said I've had an interview that I wasn't prepared for.  I applied for another job today.  It will not likely get anywhere but I had to try.  It's not just the pressure of getting a job but the pressure of finding a job that will pay enough.  I'm seriously considering going to a cleaning job- it's stupid early in the morning though.

I'm just really sad.  I'm sure once I'm there tomorrow it will be fine.  I just hate it that I can't just quit.  I could but we want to make our savings last as long as possible.

What it comes down to is this.

I'm 46 and I have no job skills.  I somehow have let half my life go by and I have no job skills.  I don't have a way to make enough money to live on by myself.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed and angry with myself.  In my 20's I was happy working at Grafton and I felt like I made enough money.  My 30's I spent at home being a spoiled stay at home mom.  My 40's have been here at the shop, doing a mediocre bookkeeping job.

It's so irritating that Eric went out and within a week has a job using his new SKILL.  Sure it doesn't pay very much- but it pays enough.  And, if he wanted to, he may have a harder time, but he could go back to computers.

Maybe I need to study something just to get that job so I can at least support myself.

Then my mind says- your 46- who will hire you?  You're old and washed up.

God I'm mean to myself.

They say losing a business is like losing a loved one- and it is true.  My whole identity was in this shop and now I feel like I'm just floating around with nothing to grab hold of.

This went in a way I didn't plan but I just need to get these feelings out.

Until Next Time.

A new chapter

How amazing things can change in just a couple months.  Momma kitty thankfully is better.  She acted a little different for a couple days but now is totally fine.  The biggest thing is that we have decided to close our shop.  We just don't have enough revenue to keep it open.  We knew things were slow and really in a pickle about have way through April.  By the last week of April we knew we had to close.  We made the announcement, much to the surprise to the community.

Before this I had started a job pouring beer at Broken Window Brewery downtown.  It's ok.  I was willing to do it to make extra money to support us, but as a full time gig--- aaaaahhh I dunno about that one.

Since then we are liquidating our inventory- trying desperately to make enough to pay off the bank, and it looks like we'll do it.

Eric just started a job at Winchester Brewworks as head brewer.  We are both having a difficult time getting used to being employees instead of self employed.

Eric has already said that brewing at brewworks is going to be hard and doesn't like it right now.  I am already having a hard time being away in the evening.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a job that I can make enough money and be home in the evening.  I've been on one interview which I bombed.

The whole thing is just weird right now.  We're both just really having to get used to our new lives.  We'll see what happens from here.

Until Next Time.