This little girl.

The Wednesday after our 5 year anniversary of the shop Eric and I were getting ready for lunch when we had a special visitor!

Our little Rose!  Sara (her mom and Jared's fiancé) and Sara's mom came in to visit!  I was floored and so excited that when I realized it was her I jumped up and down with excitement!

Even though we let Matt adopt Jared we instantly think of Rose as our little grand daughter.  We're cautious, but thrilled.  We don't press for time with her- but I keep in touch with them - hoping to have them in our life.  Sara is beautiful- I wish I would've taken pictures of her too--

Eric is pretty smitten with her--  looks like she's going to keep those bright blue eyes of the Boyers family.  George would adore her.  His great grand-daughter. 

We've been waiting for so long to hold her and we finally got our chance!  It was wonderful and well worth the wait. 

It's weird to be in love with someone you've only held once. 

Until Next Time.

Re-reading my old journal.

Hello All,

Recently I have been learning about letting go of items that don't serve me any longer.  It was easy for the most part to let go of items.  However, when I came to my journals I paused.  What to do with these.  My heart, soul, tears and joy are in the journals.  How do I decide whether to let go of them or not.  I received some advice to re read them and then decide.  Does it still bring me joy?  Did it help me heal or finally put to rest some issues?  Is there still work to be done that it may need to be referred to again? 

I decided to do just that with a journal that I had kept for 10 years.  It took me from 2005 to just after Billy died in 2015.  I read it over a few weeks.  Here's what I found-- and how I came to tossing (more like gently placing) my journal in the trash. 

I found that I struggled.  I wanted to run the show and have total control over every aspect of my life.  I was angry-- much of the journal used to vent frustrations on how life/people wasn't doing what I wanted it to. 

I found that I really did do the best we could when it came to caring for Eric's mother.  My mind and memories had contorted to a story I was telling myself that wasn't true.  We did do everything we could to get her the care she needed.  Did we always do it with a smile? No, but were we any where close to being the mean hearted people that I was telling myself? Absolutely not. 

I found the grief in losing George, Helen, Ivan, DiDi, Muzzy, Harry and Billy.

I found the joy of finding Momma & her kittens, and later, Toby and Xander.

I found the pride of being Ashton's mom and of finding homes for Momma's babies.

I found the excitement of keeping Harry and Lita.

I found the hard work of keeping a marriage going.

I found the sadness of seeing Jared again and reliving the guilt of letting Matt adopt him.  I also found that we did try to see him again - but emails went unanswered.  We gave up way too easy- but at least it wasn't the high and dry that I was telling myself. 

I found the beginning of the depths of anxiety and panic I had never experienced before- thinking I wouldn't survive it. 

10 years -- and when I had read my last words, I felt good.  I felt healed.  I felt complete.  I could move on. 

So, I took a picture of it-- felt the smoothness of the cover one last time and put it in the trash. 

Until Next Time. 

Mourning what never was....and never will be.

I've been working on myself lately.  I'm learning more about myself each day.  I'm learning why I think the way I think, why certain things bother me and I'm learning how to love myself properly.

All I really want to say is that I cried this morning while reading a book.  The words in the book made me tear up and I didn't understand why.  The more I read, the more I got choked up.

But sitting there I figured out what the problem was-- and I mourned my loss.  I mourned also that it will never be the way I want it. 

I've been learning about this particular subject a lot lately and I have learned that it is perfectly normal and acceptable for me to feel the way I am. 

The lesson I have learned is this..... not exactly what happened but something like this.....

When you grow up being served nothing but white rice and apples----

and then you learn that other kids were not only served white rice and apples but so much more....
kiwi, chicken, oranges, beautiful abundant overflowing varieties......

and you could have had that also-- very easily...... but you didn't.  And now you know-- and it hurts. 

Until next time.....

Happy Birthday Billy.

Today is April 1st, Billy's birthday - and by my count he would have turned 74.  It's hard to believe that he's been gone over 2 years now. 

This evening we are going to my mom's house to have a get together.  Never calling it a birthday party for Billy- because that might bring on emotion and that's the one thing my family doesn't do well. 

But, I had my own celebration of sorts.  Eric, Ashton and I went to the Burger King Billy always went to for breakfast.  We went for breakfast and sat in the booth right behind the men who he used to meet up with.

As we pulled up to the light just before turning into the lot I became very nervous- heart rate up, hands a bit sweaty-- a sudden urge to cry.  But I reminded myself it was ok to be upset, but really it's just a place.  Just walls, food and chairs.  Nothing there to hurt me.  In fact, it could be a happy memory because we had breakfast there one morning before I took him to the doctor.  We had a good talk that day.  Spending time together, letting each other know in not so many words, how much we mean to each other. 

Little did I know that that day would be a precious memory now.

I talked with his friends today.  I didn't expect them to be there- but they were.  They knew it was his birthday.  They asked about mom and the family in general.  It was good.

I'll love him forever.  I miss him so bad. 

Until Next Time.