Yesterday.

Have you ever cried so much you felt nauseous afterward?  That was me yesterday.  I woke up feeling a little anxious (thanks anxiety disorder) because I could hear my heartbeat in my ear.  This in my mind could only mean that my blood pressure is skyrocketing and I will soon stroke out. 

I went about my business- trying to ignore my anxiety, but instead sunk into a depression.  Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. 

I started thinking about Muzzy and long story short-- I ended up taking a walk and crying.  Crying and crying until I felt purged of my tears.  I felt sick, eyes swollen, stuffy nose and wanting to crawl into bed.  I couldn't though.  I had to put on my work face. 

I cried so much because I thought about going back to church.  No sooner did I think about going did I decide that it wasn't for me because I don't believe in it.  I think this made me cry harder with the realization that Muzzy isn't waiting for me somewhere.  She's not.  She's not in her grave.  She's not in heaven waiting with granddaddy.  She's not a ghost watching me.  She's gone. 

Forever.

The only memories I have are the ones in my mind.  I have a video of her that I haven't been able to bring myself to watch yet.  But I do know this.  Her body is gone.  Her soul has returned to the original source of energy.  She loved me.  She is no longer hurting.  She was born, raised, grown and died.  She lived a full loving life.  She wasn't flashy.  She never spent a day on facebook or Instagram.  She did a lot of things in her 92 years. 

I'm happy that her soul is a reason why my soul is now here.  I see her wrinkles develop over my eyes.  I remember her love of jewelry every time I open my jewelry box.  Our souls are emeshed.  We come from the same energy.  She's amazing. 

I feel better today.  Still not ready to watch the video and I'm not sure if I even want to visit her grave. 

We'll see.