Getting used to working with other people again.

Hello,

I'm at the shop working it today while Eric is at his new job.  I go back to my bartending job tomorrow afternoon.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I don't know about Eric, but I'm having a really hard time getting used to working with people again.  It fills me with anxiety.

I started out strong.  Somewhere along the line though I have caved.  I feel really out of place there.  Everyone else is at least 10 years if not 20 years younger than me.  I feel like a fuddy duddy even though I'm not.  No one has been outright mean or rude to me, but I just feel soooo out of place.  I feel like I have to compete or pretend that I'm this younger person that I'm not.

I'm dreading going back tomorrow.  It's going to be a long night.  I work with the taproom manager and she doesn't close until people actually leave so I'll basically be waiting and hoping for people to leave before we can start cleaning.  I just really hate it.  I think I'm still dealing with depression of losing the business and having to deal with learning how to just live like a normal working chump.

I'm soaking up the last moments of today before the chaos of tomorrow.  I'm tired before I even start.  I'm trying to find another job but it's hard.  Like I said I've had an interview that I wasn't prepared for.  I applied for another job today.  It will not likely get anywhere but I had to try.  It's not just the pressure of getting a job but the pressure of finding a job that will pay enough.  I'm seriously considering going to a cleaning job- it's stupid early in the morning though.

I'm just really sad.  I'm sure once I'm there tomorrow it will be fine.  I just hate it that I can't just quit.  I could but we want to make our savings last as long as possible.

What it comes down to is this.

I'm 46 and I have no job skills.  I somehow have let half my life go by and I have no job skills.  I don't have a way to make enough money to live on by myself.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed and angry with myself.  In my 20's I was happy working at Grafton and I felt like I made enough money.  My 30's I spent at home being a spoiled stay at home mom.  My 40's have been here at the shop, doing a mediocre bookkeeping job.

It's so irritating that Eric went out and within a week has a job using his new SKILL.  Sure it doesn't pay very much- but it pays enough.  And, if he wanted to, he may have a harder time, but he could go back to computers.

Maybe I need to study something just to get that job so I can at least support myself.

Then my mind says- your 46- who will hire you?  You're old and washed up.

God I'm mean to myself.

They say losing a business is like losing a loved one- and it is true.  My whole identity was in this shop and now I feel like I'm just floating around with nothing to grab hold of.

This went in a way I didn't plan but I just need to get these feelings out.

Until Next Time.